Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
