I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Omg I joined a choir last night...
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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