I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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