Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
