im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
