who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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