Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Floor bacon is actually really good
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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