That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
