I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He felt like a one man threesome
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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