I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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