so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
