Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
