My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
