I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
nutella sex= disaster
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
