I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
