Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
