K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
