i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
