I smell stomach acid.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
