my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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