New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
