I just saw a hot homeless man
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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