someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
