and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
