my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
