Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
im six kinds of drunk right now
you traded sex for a burrito?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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