A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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