I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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