I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
