I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize