WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Randomize
