I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
