i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
