Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
