Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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