i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
