Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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