Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
