Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
