And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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