I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
