he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
