i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
