I just googled if crying burns calories
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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