Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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