There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
