I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Randomize
