Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
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