I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
