Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
