I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
