he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
You were trust falling into bushes
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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