he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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