this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
