We won't sleep together?
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Randomize
