I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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