lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
