He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
