Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
