Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
