I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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