Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
