the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
