so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
