All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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